Press Any Key

Some of you know, from reading my mother's blogs last year, that I'm a trained concert pianist.  I spent much of my young life in piano competition all over the country.  I liked it, but not enough to make it my life's work.

So it was a surprise to many people, myself included, when a year ago, I decided to enter the Cliburn International Piano Competition for Outstanding Amateurs, after 25 years away from playing virtuoso-level repertoire.  I was curious to see if I could still compete in an elite international field.  I literally had to dust my music off before beginning to practice.  Long story short, I did very well at Cliburn.  Out of 159 applicants, I made it all the way to the final 12.  

Suddenly, what I thought would be a "bucket-list" item - doing this one thing to see if I still could - took on a life of its own.  I was contacted by people asking me to enter other competitions, to solo with an orchestra, and to perform solo recitals... including one in Germany.  I can still hardly believe it.  

I like to make people happy, and so I accepted all the gigs unless I had a conflict, like my kids' orchestra concert.  I've now done more solo recitals in this past year than I did in all my years COMBINED as a child and teen.  

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I've been dealing with tendinitis in my arms and hands.  This causes me great anxiety about my upcoming performances.  In addition, I hear my music in my head at night as I try to sleep.  It's very annoying, to say the least, and at times, it is terrifying, like if suddenly my fingers get "tangled" or I have a memory slip (remember, this is all going on in my head.)

I never had any performance anxiety as a child and I don't know why I'm like this now.  The funny thing is, you hear about stage fright.  Well, when I'm on stage, I'm absolutely fine.  I spoke with my good friends who are a professional violinist & cellist, and they said it's totally normal... that a lot of performers feel that way, and in their experience it gets worse as one gets older.  The person is a wreck leading up to it, but once they're onstage, they just get out there and do it - and even enjoy it.

What a roller-coaster of emotions.  No wonder so many performers drink or do drugs.  Seriously.  

Some turn to help from medical professionals. Many of my fellow Cliburn performers took Beta Blockers before going onstage to lower their performance anxiety symptoms.

I really don't want to take medication and I don't want the empty calories from alcohol (not to mention risking alcoholism.)  My friends' solution is not to do any more solo gigs.  Right now I'll admit that sounds like a pretty good solution, but I'm not sure it's what I really want.  So I'm not going to say I'll never compete or perform again.  Do I just need a break after I fulfill my latest obligations?  Maybe.

In the meantime, a friend shared a funny cartoon that I made into my Facebook cover photo a few days ago.  I need to keep it all in perspective... if I mess up, so what?  Just keep going.  

I will try to remember this in my daily life as well...   when something is troubling me, I'll control what I can and try not to worry.  Just press "any key" and continue.  This too shall pass and life goes on!