"You were SHY?"

Yesterday, because a pianist friend wanted to see it, I posted to YouTube some rare video footage of myself competing at a piano competition when I was 12 years old.  The year was 1982.  Back then, there were no smartphones, and few people had video recorders (which probably wouldn't have been allowed in the competition, anyway.)  However, this competition was broadcast live on cable TV, and they gave each contestant a VHS tape afterward of the entire show... which my parents still had.  Dad digitized it recently, and I watched 12-year-old me play again, for the first time in 35 years.

As I watched, it made me think.  I can remember exactly what was going through my mind.  I mostly remember being upset.  I missed a few notes - not many, but it seemed like way too many to me.  At the end, I didn't even bow to the audience because I felt like I had failed.

My general perception of myself wasn't much better.  I hadn't yet started maturing, so I was behind a lot of my peers in that regard.  I didn't like my glasses.  I didn't like my teeth.  My mother used to try to get me to see that I didn't look any different than a lot of girls, and if I could just *act* confident, I might be surprised at how I felt and how others perceived me, as well.

It was watching that video right after we got it in 1982 that made me believe her.  I realized the importance of stage presence and connecting with your audience.  If I had acted like I was really happy with the performance, the audience would probably have been even more enthusiastic than they already were.

When you think about it, being onstage isn't really too different from being around other people in general.  Aren't we always being perceived in a positive or negative way by the people around us, including ourselves?  Why do we focus on the negative?  Why do we retreat and feel like we're not good enough?

Slowly, I changed my attitude.  I became more outgoing.  I wish I could say I never felt ugly again or had confidence issues, but I still struggle with those from time to time, even at the age of 47.  However, I have trained myself to show a brave and happy face toward the world.  It really does help a lot, both in the way they see me and reminding me to see all the positives in myself.  So if you struggle with shyness or insecurity, my advice is... pretend you're not.  Look people in the eye.  Smile.  Let them know you're glad to see them.  Don't be afraid to voice your thoughts and opinions.

People are shocked when they hear how shy and insecure I used to be.  Well, if you'd like to see the proof, I'll put the link to the video at the end.

This is the 1982 AMSA International Young Artists' Concerto Competition.  I played the first movement of Mozart's Concerto No. 20 in D minor, K. 466.  All the contestants were accompanied by none other than Jorge Bolet, the guest artist at the competition that year.  If you know piano, you know who he is.  If not (and you're curious), just ask Google.

Watching it now, at age 47, I realize just what a fine and mature performance it was.  And I was SO CUTE!  I can't help thinking how many of us are more critical of ourselves in the present moment than we really should be, and how negatively it can affect our self-confidence.  I am glad I eventually came out of my shell.  If you are trying to break free from a similar mindset, remember the girl in this video.  She did it and you can, too!

1982 AMSA Concerto Competition, Semifinal Round